Something happens when you start to comb through the toxic behaviours. In all the books and teaching, I was under the understanding that it was all easy once I carried myself to that point.
You know all the stages, right?
First, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then there is the delightful glory of acceptance.
Well, in a perfectly psychologically treated world, maybe it follows the steps in a neat linear fashion.
But then life rings you up with a swift kick in the teeth, and you are left to find a better order for that moment.
So let's get deep, shall we?
I advise anyone who is currently going through a stressful/traumatic time or healing to proceed with caution.
Yes, I am advising some people to not read my shit. What can I say, keeping things real, raw & relevant is a pastime of mine.
There are times when I wonder if going back to being a numb alcoholic was the better route. Dipping in and out of angry fits or being a numb joyful fool, was it for me. I cleverly inched by as the tough love, hard-ass, joker, depending on the role I needed to play that day. To my near and dears, I couldn't possibly worry them with my issues because I needed to "take care" of them in whatever proverbial setting I fit them in.
There were things I didn't always jive with, but I let those pesky feelings out on whatever person I decided was "meaningless" enough for me that day.
When I finally began to share the ugly truths, they were exploited in ways I couldn't even invent if I wanted to. There came the use of hard-ass caregiver. Yes, you heard me, I was taking care of the caregivers who couldn't give me care.
Take a minute with that if needed. I still run through it some days, always with a fresh perspective. (You know, read a new book, look at it from that angle, go to a workshop, explore that angle. etc. etc.)
I'll tell you honestly, you learn a lot of fucked up shit about yourself, you may wish you never knew. You may have the same experience with other people in your life, you never expected you would.
It also happens that there are a few genuine people who enter for a hot minute but raise you higher than the 10/20/30 year friendship/marriage/partnership.
That's a beautiful experience as well.
I am ever so grateful for those people too.
So getting back to the point. (Squirrel!)
Today, I count my blessings, I grieve my losses, I even entertain past behaviours for a minute or two, and I do so with a very open heart but very open eyes.