I literally sit here on my couch, under my blankie, not just any blanket but a huge multicoloured fleece blankie. It comforts me, heck even my kids find solace under this thing. We all love it. It's big enough to get all three of my not so tiny tots under it while piled on the couch with some popcorn and a movie. Maybe that's why it's so cozy for me, knowing my little punks feel carefree and safe under this magical piece of fabric.
Lately though, I find myself crawling under this thing looking for my own carefree and safe place. I know disappointing right? The newbie, Zen encouraging, balance your life, Buddha loving, blogger needs a blankie!
Well yes, yes I do. And I don't judge you for needing one either.
OK, Story time kids:
Started my work life in a bank, that equated to misery, unhealthy weight loss and a short temper. I quit, ended up working at a kick ass coffee kiosk with a super cool boss. Pay was good for the job that came with it but I got married and had 2 of my 3 kids. Of course, I fell into the fear of I need a job with benefits and pension etc. Don't I find myself back at the bank? Yuppers I did. More misery and distress. So, then I'm blessed with baby #3. Yeah, matt leave! I start thinking to myself as time is running out, I need to be self-employed. I ended up working part time for a friend who had a bookkeeping company. Which I have to say, I was happy with. She was super cool but had her own business plan. I had ideas of something bigger. We parted ways and I started my own business with the intention of making it big. Not corporation big, but boutique big. Maybe a couple locations. My failing marriage made it easy for me to hide at work and make it grow. Grow to the point where now I have no life, take on too much and am stretched too thin. It's a delicate balancing act at this point. I mean, I can't be sick, or need a vacation. God forbid I get hurt, it would all just crumble. I was extra fearful at this point. I had hand sanitizer on my desk, in my car & purse. And then it happened, I get bloody rear-ended while parked at a gas station. Great this is all I needed, I get on the phone and call the new client I was supposed to be meeting with and apologise profusely for having to reschedule. He calmly said, "Hey, don't worry about me, are you ok? My work can wait, please go make sure you're ok." Wow, I think to myself. People actually have concern for the person behind the bookkeeper. I lose days of work, trying to get over this accident. Car repair, doctors’ appointments etc. Days turn into weeks and all of a sudden, the client calls are insane. I found myself under my blankie once again. Blankie over my head and fingers in my ears while the phone rang with calls, texts and emails. Tears of fear ran down my face. I have never felt this unbalanced. Dizzy spells, constant nausea, headaches and back pain was my life. I tried to play it off like I was ok. Nobody can know, I can't handle this. Clients grew angry, lost several of them, even some who were friends. My fear grew into a beast that controlled me, won't lie, it still tries. And then it happened, a dear friend and client sent me a text. "Good Morning, I just want you to know that all 3 of us love you (Heart emoji)! Patricia, please let me help you!" "Listen, it's gonna take time. I don't know exactly what you are feeling but from my experience, there was a month where I barely even turned on the lights. I'm still climbing my mountain. Always remembering where I was. You have nothing to hang your head down about. You have helped us so much. There is real love for you." All of a sudden, my blankie of many colours grew too hot to cover me. I cried, not just like a couple tears but I mean 5 yr old lost in a mall cried. People love me. I mean lots of people love me. If I just open up and let go of those fears, I have a circle of help around me that I could never imagine existed.
Okay, story time is over now kids.
I sit here and write this, not as a life coach, nor a therapist. Not as a guru by any means but as a student who would really like to help tutor fellow classmates.
And there, Spoiled Soul was born. I continue to nourish it and grow it as it does the same for me. My biggest wish is that it does the same for you!
Patricia Vasconcelos Spoiled Soul